Paradise Diner
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Scene I
(Curtains closed. Darla walks out along front of curtains, purse over her shoulder, fixing a cap on her head as she is walking to work. Stops short when she sees audience.)
Darla: Oh! Hii-iii! What are ya’ll doin’ out there?! What a nice surprise! (Takes a confiding approach to audience) I’m on my way to work, but I always make it a point to be a few minutes late. That way Susan will really appreciate me. Let me tell ya, when Darla’s on the job, everything is smooth like butter!
(Sound of a cellphone is heard playing some funny music. Puts her hand to her head and peers out at the audience) Does someone have their cellphone on? (waits a minute while people near the front rows are looking around.) Oh! It’s mi-ine! (She laughs) My boyfriend Randy likes to change the music to surprise me! (Flips the phone open and the music can be heard louder.) Yeah–this is nice! I like this! (She does a funny dance to the music for 5-10 seconds, then speaks.)
Hi Mom. (Waits a few seconds) Mom, I have no idea how you can get Roger to stop drinking out of the toilet....no, I don’t think it’s because of his “background”....(makes circular motion by her head to show the audience that she thinks her mother is crazy)...look Mom, when you take in a stray cat, you have to expect the unexpected....no, I really don’t think he’s in any danger-- cats don’t do things that are bad for them, they know better. They’re not stupid like dogs. Look Mom, I’ve got to go. I’m headed to work and I always make it a point never to be late. Bye!
(Flips phone closed and smiles in an amused way to audience.)
My mom. Where was I? Oh yeah, the diner can’t get along without me...you’ve heard that, too? It’s not that they can’t do it without me, it’s just that they wouldn’t have any fun without me...don’t get me wrong, it’s not that Susan isn’t fun...it’s just that, well the diner’s been in her family for 45 years and her mom died when she was young and she’s just...so darn responsible! (Opens ups purse and starts putting on lipstick while looking in little lipstick mirror. Talks as she’s putting on the lipstick so her mouth is stretched open oddly as she speaks.) Not that I have any problem with responsible people. Some of my best friends are responsible. How can I explain our diner to you...well, why don’t you just come on along with me to Paradise? Really....come on..... (Music for opening number starts as curtains pull open to reveal a bustling diner. Darla backs into the middle of room, adjusting her headpiece some more, Susan races past and throws a white apron over Darla’s head.)
Susan: Thanks for showing up, Dar!
Darla: (To audience) It’s kind of a crazy place but we love it-Paradise Diner: Home of the Twenty-One Pies!” Everyone in town loves it, too! Why else would we have been voted “Best Diner in Johnson City, Texas” for the past forty-five years?
Susan: (Racing past again) Because there are no other diners? (Stops abruptly) Darla, who the devil are you talkin’ to–get to work!
(Opening number is performed: Another Lunchtime in Paradise)
Another Lunchtime In Paradise
(Waitresses)
What’ll ya have, what’ll ya have, honey, what’ll ya have, what’ll ya have, honey, what’ll ya have, what’ll ya have, honey, tell me, what’ll it be? (Repeat three times)
(Cooks)
Pick up, you gotta pick up, pick up, you gotta pick up, pick up, you gotta a pick up, pick up for table three. (Repeat two times)
(Hostess)
Right this way over here we gotta nice little table that we just cleared, right this way, over here, if you need anything tell me. (Sing once)
(All three groups sing that over on “do-do” once, and then again, while three different customer sing the following in order:
(Customer 1-older lady with girlfriend)
Darla...I want a cheeseburger...no lettuce or onions....medium rare, you know how it should be.
(Customer 2-middle-aged man in mechanics clothes)
Susan dear, how ya doin’ I would like the Ham Lovers special, your father’s homemade potato salad and a nice tall glass of iced tea.
(Customer 3-a mother and little boy)
Stephen tell the lady what you want (boy): a grilled cheese sandwich and a lot of french fries
(Mom) I’m just having the Caesar salad and a decaf cup of hot tea.
(All three orders are repeated at the same time, do-dos are sung still by staff)
(Everyone in diner sings together now)
It’s lunchtiiiime in Paradise, another lunchtiiiiiime in Paradise
the food is delicious-- the service always nice
another lunchtime in Paradise.
(Staff)
We open our doors every day at 5 a.m.
Our early birds are early and we’re ready to greet them
(Customers)
We come back each day for one meal and sometimes two
It’s so nice to be with people who know you
It’s lunchtime in Paradise
Another lunchtime in Paradise
The food is delicious
The service always nice
Another lunchtime in Paradise
(Staff)
We’ll make all your favorites like Philly steak with cheese
Or liverwurst with onions, a Monte Cristo, if you please
(Customers)
We come back each day for your dietary fare
Onion rings, Buffalo wings, BLTs and the fabulous Grilled Cheese
(Everyone-into key change)
OH- THE- GRILLED- CHEESE!!
(all)
It’s lunchtime in Paradise, another lunchtime in Paradise
The food is delicious (the food is delicious)
The service always nice (the service always nice)
Another lunchtime (lunchtime, lunchtime)
IN PAR-A-DISE!!!
(Different tables start leaving after the song has ended, Susan, Darla or Lara are ringing customers out... Everyone seems to know everyone and is comfortable and friendly. Only a few tables are left after the rush hour. Buck comes out from kitchen area, tosses his hat on the counter and pulls the newspaper toward him.)
Buck: Good lunch, Susie...
Susan: Yeah Dad. I hope you didn’t singe your eyebrows off back there...that grill was blazin’ all morning.
Buck: Naahh...more likely my whole body’ll go up in flames...the way my old skin and bones are drying out...you’ll come back there one day and see a pile of grey ashes where I used to stand.
Susan: And I want you to know that if that happens, we’ll almost certainly close for the rest of that day.
Buck: (Ignores her joke) Well...I see our President’s at it again–trying to raise taxes. They’ve always got their hand in your pocket!
Susan: Come on Dad, good services cost money. Name one country where they have great roads and schools and low taxes.
Buck: (Sits looking at her silently, an irritated expression on his face. She meets his gaze, raising her eyebrows as though expecting an answer.) I’m thinkin’!! Give me a minute! (Mutters to himself as he looks back at paper:) Send your kid to college and what does it get ya? A bunch of crazy ideas about...good roads and....good... schools...
Susan: (Smiles at him affectionately) Oh Da-ad, you know you like some of my ideas. You liked a lot of the changes I suggested when I got back from college–like the no smoking policy and the vegetarian entrees and the support rails in the bathrooms...right?..I mean, we were way ahead of everybody when we did those things back in the eighties.
Buck: (Begrudgingly) I only agreed to those things because I didn’t want you to feel left out–I made you co-owner for better or for worse. How on earth can you “like” the idea of a plate of spring greens and vin-a-grit dressing? I don’t trust a person who doesn’t eat meat–it’s not natural.
Darla: (Going through receipts near them) Yeah. I’ve heard a lot of criminals are vegetarians…
Buck: You stay out of this, Missy. Don’t forget I knew you when you were a skinny little malnourished runt. If your father hadn’t started bringing you in here every Sunday for sausage and pancakes you probably would’ve shriveled up and blown away...
Darla: Yes, well I want to thank you so much. The pancakes from 1983 are still on my butt. (Sees Randy walking in and gives him a big smile and waves) Hi Sweetie! (Randy comes over and sits at the counter near Buck. Darla gives him coffee and silverware.) How’s my hard-working honey?
Randy: Oh, fair to midlin. (Smiles back at her–a playful, happy energy between them.) I had to climb a pretty scary tree this morning–talk about nearer my God to thee!
Darla: Did you get your new chainsaw?
Randy: Yup.
Darla: Good, you can model it for me later...(winks at him.)
Susan: Ya know, you two are kind of sickening sometimes.
Darla: Oh Susie, you’re just jealous.
Susan: Why...I don’t want a chainsaw...
Darla: Yeah, but what woman doesn’t want a man with a chainsaw. (Gazes at Randy dreamily.)
Susan: One who works for Greenpeace, maybe?...
Buck: Here’s some news…a woman just paid $50,000.00 to have her cat cloned (shakes his head in disbelief.)
Susan: (Gasps) That’s sinful! Imagine what she could have done with that money–the people she could have helped.
Darla: Girl, don’t you ever get tired of being so pragmatic? So she spent $50,000.00 to have her cat cloned–that’s what I call true love!! (Randy and Susan both look at her silently for a second) Well, it is. That little cat–what’s its name, honey?...
Buck:...um...Mr. Fancy Feet.
Darla: Mr. Fancy Feet was probably the love of her life...her constant companion....now they’ll always be together...
Randy: So what happens when she dies?
Darla: (Thinks for a second.) Then Mr. Fancy Feet will have her cloned....
Buck: I think we should have your brain cloned, Darla. Science will never git tired of studying it…
Darla: Some people around here are entirely unromantic. Randy understands, don’t you sweetie-pie...
Randy: Of course I do my dear. You and I are gonna have ourselves cloned so we can always be together. (They hug and then Darla pulls away from him suddenly.)
Darla: Oh my gosh Randy, wouldn’t it be great if we could get ourselves cloned now...then we could hang out with ourselves in twenty years!
Randy: (Silent for a few seconds.) You mean, like double date?
Buck: (Still reading paper. Nearly yells.) Well now this REALLY takes the cake!!
(Darla, Susan and Randy all look at each other in an amused way–they’re used to Buck’s rantings about the news.)
Susan: What, Dad?
Buck: I told you we were becoming a surveillance society! I told you there’d be no place to hide!!
Darla: Who do you need to hide from, Buck?
Buck: (Reads from paper) “DataPoint, which specializes in compiling records about Americans, started in 1997 and now claims to have more than 20 billion records–ranging from an individuals’ spending patterns to whether or not they have ‘Irritable Bowel Syndrome’!”
(A man who was sitting near them at the counter suddenly runs out the door.)
Susan: Dad, they just use that information to try to get you to part with your money. It’s not like they’re going to come and get you...
Buck: (Reading louder) “Since September 11, DataPoint and other similar companies have opened their books to the U.S. GOVERNMENT...what started out as patriotic duty has opened the door for possible government invasivness.”
Susan: Dad, the government isn’t interested in controlling us….
Buck: That’s just what they want you to believe! (Looks directly at Susan) And to think I almost let you talk me into getting an ATMT card!! (Heads toward the door) I’m going to tell Henry–he’s thinking about getting a Sears card to buy a tractor...I’ve got to stop him!
Darla: Susie, I hate to tell you this, but we may have to institutionalize your father soon.
Susan: Not before we’ve hired another cook.
Randy: Now don’t go pickin’ on Buck. He’s worked hard his whole life-he doesn’t want anyone stickin’ their nose into his business.
Darla: Yeah, but I mean, don’t you think he takes it a bit far? No offense Susie, but I think he’s gettin’ more paranoid the older he gets.
Susan: I’m not so sure...he’s always been very anti-government. But he does seem a bit like Don Quixote, fighting windmills. Ninety percent of the things he gets worked up about are much ado about nothing.
Randy: Well, so 10% of the time, Don Quixote is swinging straight. Besides, some conspiracies turn out to be true. (He starts The Conspiracy Song)
The Conspiracy Song
(Randy):
In the olden days of Rome
Julius Caeser thought he was home
But they stabbed him dead
It was planned aheeeeeeead
(Susan: Et tu, Brutus?)
So conspiracies do happen!
Guy Fawkes with his gunpowder plot
He was hopin to be a big shot
But his plan was exposed
So it decompoooooosed
(Darla: Guy who?)
But conspiracies do happen!
(Darla):
How about UFOs?
I suppose you believe in those?
That our own defense
Hides the evideeeeeence
(Randy: Maybe…)
No, conspiracies don’t happen!
(Randy)
How ‘bout the Dreyfus Affair
Now that was really a scare
One man against France
He didn’t stand a chaaaaance
(Darla: Richard Dreyfus is not from France!)
Yes, conspiracies do happen!
(Darla):
How about JFK?
It wasn’t a “him” but a “they”?
It was all a big plot
That the president be shooooooot
(Randy: It’s possible…)
No, conspiracies don’t happen!
(Randy)
Here’s one you can’t negate
How about Watergate!? (Darla concedes)
Nixon sent them out at night
But they turned on the liiiiiight
(Susan: I am not a crook!)
(Darla and Randy):
Yes, conspiracies do happen!
(All three):
Conspiracies, conspiracies, conspiracies do happen
Conspiracies, conspiracies, conspiracies do happen!