Paradise Diner
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Scene V
(Diner at lunchtime. Chris Camello is sitting in one of the booths. Todd Hering, the developer, is coming back from the restroom to sit with Camello, has to negotiate around Miss Mamie and her oxygen tank as she walks in.)
Todd: Geez. This place is like a nursing home! They’ve got those special seats over the toilet to help you up–it kind of gives ya the creeps, hey big guy?!
Chris: Well, I guess the older folks appreciate it.
Todd: If you can’t breath without a tank and you can’t stand up without bars everywhere...maybe you should just keep it at the Home (looks at menu)...I don’t want to have to see it....
(Reese, Todd’s brother, comes in and slides into the booth with them)
Reese: Hey guys! This is fun, isn’t it? I love diners!!
Todd: Reese, shut up.
Reese: I do…(opens the menu, beaming)…look at all the stuff they have here…and all the PIES! Ooooh!!
(Lara comes over to wait on them.)
Lara: Are you ready?
Todd: I’m sorry, I couldn’t understand you...what did you say?
Lara: (a little more tentatively) Are you ready?
Todd: Oohhh! “Am I rea-dy?” Yes, I am “rea-dy.” I would like–no I’m not ready. You order, Camello.
Chris: (a bit embarrassed) I’d like a Caesar salad and some coffee please.
Todd: Caesar salad? That’s a pretty pansy lunch, Camello.
Reese: Hello! I can’t choose! So, can I have three kids meals?
Lara: I guess…
Reese: I’ll have the chicken fingers, a grilled cheese sandwich and a “pardner’s pizza!” Thanks Pardner!!
Todd: I want–are you ready–I want the open face hot pork sandwich with fries and a large Coke. (Closes menu and hands it to Lara without looking at her. She leaves.)
This place is a trip. I hope the pork is really pork...you never know with diner food.
Chris: I know the owners, they wouldn’t serve you something that isn’t pork, Todd.
Reese: (smiling and goofy) Yeah, Todd!
Todd: Speaking of knowing the owners Chris, you must have heard that they’ve turned down our offer to buy this place.
Chris: (uncomfortable) Yeah, I tried to convince them it was the way to go, but they don’t seem to want to leave.
Todd: (Looks at Chris flatly, as though he doesn’t believe him.) You tried to convince them, huh?
Chris: (Squirming a little) Yeah, but they’ve been here a long time and Buck is pretty set in his ways.
Todd: Chris, look at him. (They all look over at Buck who is talking with his friends and starts to cough so hard he is doubled over. Someone is slapping his back hard.) That old man is practically in the grave! You’d be doin’ him a big favor by relieving him of this burden. Besides, these old folks just sit around here takin’ up space—they need to find something to do with themselves. Preferably out of sight…I mean, what are they doing here?
(Action switches over to Buck and his friends, Miss Mamie, Miss Dot, Jaspar and Smitty, all of whom are sitting around a table together.)
Buck: (Loudly) Oh yeah, well the government even has data about whether or not you’ve got irritable bowel syndrome!
Dot: (innocently) Oh dear…I’ve got two bunions and a cataract…I don’t suppose that would interest them much…
Buck: That’s exactly what they want you think.
Dot: (looks confused) Really? Why would they want to know about my bunions?
Buck: Do-ot! THINK about it!! (He looks at her like she’s missing an obvious point and she looks totally bewildered.)
Mamie: Aw, Lordie...isn’t it somethin’ gettin old?
Smitty: Tell me about it...
Jaspar: I was sitting outside today reading the paper, and I fell asleep on the park bench. I used to think the old men in the park were such characters...and there I was! The old man in the park, asleep over his paper!!
(They all laugh)
Dot: How did it happen? Just yesterday I was a young mother with twins, chasing them around the basement of the church at our potluch suppers...then I was holding their babies and now their babies are having babies!! Time just went on without me!
Buck: Heck, I still think I’ve got hair!
Mamie: You’ve got hair, Buck.
Buck: Ears don’t count.
(Mamie starts Isn’t it Somethin’ Gettin’ Old?)
Isn’t It Somethin’ Gettin’ Old?
Mamie: Isn’t it somethin’ gettin old?
Dot: My hands sit idle in my lap
Mamie: Isn’t it somethin’ gettin old?
Jaspar: My happy hour is a nap
Mamie: Isn’t it somethin’ gettin old?
Smitty: My belt won’t buckle, just my knees
Mamie: Isn’t it somethin’ gettin old?
Buck: My little black book is full of M.D.s!
All: But with friends, everything is easier
Cause with friends, you know you’ll be understood
Yes, with friends, everything is easier
For with friends, sharing always feels so good
Buck: Isn’t it somethin’ gettin old?
Dot: I’m lucky if I find my car
Buck: Isn’t it somethin’ gettin old?
Mamie: To touch the floor seems way too far
Buck: Isn’t it somethin’ gettin old?
Jaspar: My wild oats have turned to bran
Buck: Isn’t it somethin’ gettin old?
Smitty: My get up and go, got up and ran!
(Piano goes up a key, plays background while they have this spoken conversation)
Dot: You know, I finally feel as though I got my head on right, and then my body gives out!
Smitty: I hear ya...
Mamie: I was gonna say the same thing...
Buck: I feel like I’ve finally got a lot of good answers, but nobody is asking the questions!
Jaspar: That’s the truth!
Dot: We’re old, so nobody asks...
Mamie: I realized I must be ancient the other day when I was watching a local news show and they were showing this exhibit of toys in a museum-toys I played with when I was a child!
Buck: No kidding...you are old...
(Singing starts again)
Dot: Isn’t it somethin’ gettin old?
Mamie: Most of my food I eat pureed
Dot: Isn’t it somethin’ gettin old?
Smitty: My back goes out much more than me
Dot: Isn’t it somethin’ gettin old?
Jaspar: My teeth sleep by me in a cup
Dot: Isn’t it somethin’ gettin old?
Buck: Lifting weights means standing up!
(All: refrain once again.)
Isn’t it somethin-isn’t it something-isn’t it somethin-
getting old?
Spoken: Yes, it is!
(Action switches back to Todd, Reese and Chris.)
Todd: And look, we don’t want to have to get ugly, but it seems to me there are some serious violations of the law going on here…kids out of school, illegal immigrants working here…
Chris: The school lets them eat out once a week when they’re seniors.
Todd: Well, that’s a stupid waste of time and the taxpayers money. What could these kids possibly be doing here that they wouldn’t be better off doing at school?
(Action switches over to Bo, Kristine and Rachel at another table.)
Rachel: Thank goodness Carrie isn’t here today–she’d be commenting on our food orders.
Bo: Yeah. Where is she, anyway?
Kristine: I think she wanted to use the studio–she’s painting something.
Rachel: Where’s Jason?
Bo: Why don’t you just ask, “where’s Jill?”
Rachel: What does that mean?
Bo: It means, wherever Jill is, Jason won’t be far behind.
Rachel: What?
Bo: Oh come on, you know he’s always stalking her.
Kristine: He liked her in sixth grade, but that was, like six years ago, Bo.
Bo: Yeah, he liked her in sixth grade, and in seventh grade, and in eighth grade, and then in ninth grade and-
Rachel: What are you saying here. (Slaps her open hand with the back of the other hand) spe-ci-fy–we want spe-ci-fics.
Bo: I’m saying that Jason really wants to ask Jill out–to be her boyfriend–to do things with her and talk on the phone all the time and give each other cards and play footsie under the table.
Kristine: Why doesn’t he just ask her out then?
Bo: I don’t know. He told me after he found out about the Princeton thing, that she is definitely out of his league now.
Kristine: That’s bull. He’s as smart as she is.
Rachel: Yeah, but you’d never know it from his grades. He couldn’t get into Princeton.
Bo: Sure he could. Princeton County Community College...maybe....
Kristine: He just needs a good woman to help him get motivated–Jill would be perfect for him. If she showed a serious interest in him, he’d probably really start to make something of himself.
Rachel: Maybe, maybe not.
Bo: Ambivalent...
All three: Yes and no.
(Carrie comes in and joins them.)
Carrie: What are we talkin’ about?
Bo: Jason and Jill.
Carrie: Oh.
Kristine (sees Oswaldo busing a table nearby) There’s your man, Carrie.
Carrie: (smiles over at Oswaldo dreamily) My little Mexican Enchilada Pie…
(The others just look at her and say nothing.)
Rachel: You know, this is really lame. Oswaldo and his sister are like, the same age as us, and we don’t even talk to them...we don’t know anything about them.
Bo: What are we supposed to do? It’s weird talking to someone who’s the same age as us but isn’t doing the same things. What do we talk about?
Kristine: Well at least you can speak Spanish. Try talking to them without even knowing three words.
Rachel: Well I can’t imagine they want to stay here in these jobs at the diner forever. Maybe they’ve got other plans...things they want to do with their lives...and I know Lara really misses her family in Mexico.
Kristine: Maybe we should get Jill to invite them to do something with all of us.
Rachel: We should at least try to talk to them and be friendly. I say we make a pact: By next week, Bo, you and Jason talk to Oswaldo, and we’ll all talk to Lara.
Bo: Okay. (Calls over to table where Oswaldo is.) Hola, Oswaldo! (Oswaldo waves. Bo looks at the girls.) I’m done.
(Girls kick his legs under the table and give him a hard time. The four of them laugh.)
Carrie: I’ll talk to Oswaldo. (Gets up and walks over to Oswaldo) Oswaldo, I would like you should take me salsa dancing next weekend after you get off work on Saturday.
Oswaldo: (Looks around a bit confused.) Okay…
Carrie: Great, I’ll pick you up here at the diner—see you then! (Walks back to the table)
Kristine: That was fast.
Carrie: Oh, we’ll be talking a lot on Saturday night….Oswaldo asked me out….
Rachel: You’re kidding?
Carrie: (smiling smugly) Woman, when you’ve got it you’ve got it and I’ve got it. (Action shifts back to Todd, Chris and Reese)
Todd: Look Chris, the wheels are all in motion and we don’t have time to wait around anymore for these people to see the light. We’ve got Walter Zimmerman on board and the other supervisor—Kelly what’s her name, well, she’s a big, oppositional cow, so we’re not wasting any more time on her. You are the third and deciding vote on this matter. It’s time to move The New Main Street along.
Chris: What are you saying, Todd?
Todd: I’m saying that this thing is inevitable my friend. We never lose. We never go away…
Reese: Well, there was Santa Laura—
Todd: Chris! It’s time for you to get with everyone on this. The people of Johnson City want progress. If given a choice, they’re not going to choose this diner over a fabulous new shopping facility. This property needs to be seized for the public good!
Chris: (Looks shocked) Are you talking about imminent domain?
Todd: It’s for the public good Chris. Remember, it’s growth. (He sings the final bars of Growth is Always Good, essentially putting Chris back into a stupor.)