Paradise Diner
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Scene IX
(Jill, Kristine, Rachel, Bo, Jason, Lara and Oswaldo are all seated around a few tables.)
Jill: (counting something)…okay…here it comes…wait for it…we have over a thousand signatures!! (everyone claps and cheers)
Bo: (jumps up into the air in a funny way) THEY CAN’T HANDLE US!! Hey Jay, you be the Hering Brothers and I’ll be us.
(Jason walks over toward Bo like he’s some type of deformed creature. Bo grabs him and “throws” him to the ground and pretends to bash his head in over and over. Everyone is laughing.)
Bo: DIE YOU BLOOD-SUCKING MAGOT!! (lets Jason up)
Jason: Hey we should challenge the Hering Brothers to Roman wrestling for the diner!
Rachel: And who would wrestle on the side of the diner…Buck and Susan?
Jason: No. Me and Bo.
Kristine: What if you lose? They’re the ones who have to pay the price….didn’t think that one through, did you, Jay?
Jason: I know, but I would look so awesome in a short toga!
Jill: I like your spirit Jay—you go ahead and challenge them to wrestling—in the meantime, we’ll keep collecting names. Where is Carrie? I need to count her signatures.
Kristine: She knows we’re meeting here to plan the first rally…maybe she’s rearranging her clothes again. Three closets can take awhile…
(Carrie comes in with a bunch of papers.)
Bo: SPEAK OF THE SHE DEVIL!
Carrie: (untangles her purse from around her body and blows her hair out of her face.) Don’t give me a hard time, Bo! I’ve been walking around in four-inch Versace pumps all morning and I’m not in the mood! (sees Oswaldo and waves excitedly to him. He jumps up and pulls out a chair for her. She sits down and he sits next to her.)
Jill: Why were you wearing high heels to collect signatures?
Carrie: You never know who might see me…here’s your signatures.
Jill: You got five hundred signatures?! How the heck did you do that?!
Carrie: My Dad got 495 of them by passing them around at a basketball game.
Jill: And you….
Carrie: I got the other five this morning. It took me almost two hours!
(Everyone stares at her.)
Carrie: (she whines) Well these shoes hurt! Don’t give me grief, you have no idea how hard this is for me.
Jason: You? How about Jill and her family?
Carrie: It’s easy for them—they don’t want to lose their diner and they don’t want the new stores. It’s not my diner and I do want the new stores to come. It’s much more of an internal conflict for me!
(They all look at her, silently.)
Carrie: Well it is! I have to drive 35 minutes to the nearest mall for goodness sake!! Sometimes I just feel….(sings Ain’t No Mall Blues)
Ain’t No Mall Blues
(Carrie)
(spoken) Okay, now listen
It’s not that I hate the diner,
It’s not that I hate the trees
It’s not the open spaces
I don’t hate the birds and the bees
I’m not against tradition
I got nothing against the past
It’s not that I’m ambitious
Or I need the lane that’s fast
It’s just that sometimes
I get the ain’t no mall blues
There are times when I say “Lord, I need a tailor!” and Lordie, Lord and Taylor won’t fail
There are times when things should be bloomin, bloomin at Bloomingdales!
I’m not about construction
Or the whiny noise of the trucks
I hate the thought of destruction
Or development run amok
I’m not for global warming
I know what’s going on
I’m not about conforming
Or being like everyone
It’s just that sometimes
I get the ain’t no mall blues
I’d like to bring our town a little culture, a little high couture and some style
Bring us all into the twenty-first century, girls you gotta admit that’s worthwhile!
I’d like you to meet Gucci
My buddy Christian Dior
Here’s Miss Nina Ricci
And the other Chrisitian, Lacroix
We need them here in Texas
We need them close to me
We need a fashion nexus
And then I can guarantee
That I will never again suffer from
The Ain’t No Mall Blues
...oh , no, no, no, no….
(Everyone is staring at her silently when the song ends. No one knows what to say. Oswaldo starts clapping enthusiastically and looking at the others to encourage them to clap, too.)
Jillian: Alright then. Everyone’s got your new marching orders. So let’s get out there! (Jill, Jason, Bo, Rachel and Kristine leave. Oswaldo and Lara go in the back)
Carrie (alone on stage. Pulls out her compact to check her hair. Reapplies fresh lipstick. Whines into the mirror.) Why doesn’t anyone understand my pain?